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Dear Eric: When hosting a party, what is the best way to ensure guests drive home safely if they have been drinking or are otherwise intoxicated?

– Safe Home

Dear Home: If a friend is impaired by alcohol or intoxicated, it’s imperative that they don’t get behind the wheel, full stop. Some methods for preventing this include taking their keys, calling them a ride, sending them home with a designated driver, letting them sleep it off at your house, and driving them yourself.

As the host of the party, if you want to cultivate an environment that discourages impaired driving, you might ask anyone taking a car to identify a designated driver in advance, limit the amount of alcohol that you serve (if any), and serve food with any drinks. None of these, however, is a substitute for personal responsibility on the parts of your guests.

Dear Eric: A group of us in our 70s have been going on trips every year for 25 years, but I haven't enjoyed myself the last couple of years because I have a difficult time not feeling that I need to be a caretaker to one person in our group who has major physical issues. I am constantly watching to make sure the person is safe.

At my age, it is also physically exhausting to be responsible for someone else's physical needs. A couple of the other people help, but a few seem clueless unless given specific instructions as to how to help.

I have tried being less of a caretaker, but it is just in my nature. I can't seem to turn it off. Being on high alert to help meet someone else's needs inhibits my ability to relax and enjoy myself. I want to back out of the trips, but I also want to maintain my friendship with the group.

– Not Fun

Dear Not Fun: I’m curious about what the person who has physical issues thinks about this. Is the responsibility that you’re assuming something that this person has asked for and/or something that you and this person agreed upon? It may be the case that there are mismatched expectations here that can be sorted out with a conversation.

You might tell this person that you’ve been trying to keep them safe on group trips and ask if that’s something they feel the need for. If so, you could then share that the responsibility is overwhelming you and ask that you create alternatives together. This empowers your friend and could present an opportunity for your friend to proactively lean on other people in the group.

After 25 years of friendship, it’s normal for relationship dynamics to change. It’s also normal for your wants and needs to change. It’s possible that the annual trips aren’t meeting you where you are anymore. Consider taking a year off and see how you feel. This doesn’t close the door on your connection to the group but could allow you to get some needed perspective that will inform your next step.

Dear Eric: Read your excellent advice to “Mrs. Fix-It,” whose husband wasn’t handy but would have meltdowns every time she called a repairperson. I would hazard a guess that perhaps her husband also is concerned about costs (even if money is not a problem) and being taken advantage of by unscrupulous repairmen.

Although at the end of his life, my dad had managed to accumulate more than enough money to keep him and my mom happy, he was obsessed about money, probably due to his own difficult upbringing and the trauma associated with it.

Despite having plenty of money myself, I also fret about home repairs and constantly question whether I’m being overcharged since I am single, a woman and age 70. I try to get multiple quotes and act like I know what I’m doing, but that doesn’t always work and I have been taken advantage of. I don’t have the extreme reaction of Mr. Fix-it, but I do feel anxious about calling repairmen, so I question whether this is some of his issue.

– Costly Repairs

Dear Repairs: That very well may be part of it; I appreciate your comment. If this does apply to the letter writer’s situation, it’s all the more reason that the letter writer’s husband should work on taking responsibility for his emotional response so that they can have a rational discussion about what needs to be done and work together to budget, assuage economic anxiety, or do the research to find a reputable repair person.

This last part, to your point, may take some work. The couple would be wise to solicit recommendations from friends – even keeping a running list, just in case, plus agree that anyone coming into the home for repairs needs to be bonded and insured.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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